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an adolescent's thoughts on Love

an adolescent's thoughts on Love of teenModella on February 26, 2008 at 03:03 AM |

i have loved him with all my heart and i didn't think it was a mistake. . .i believed that love was worth every penny of its price and that it was a gift; i clearly believe in it until now. and yet, along with this gift comes the terrible consequence of suffering and pain. these were the risks i was reluctant to face but accepted anyway because there was no other way. I'd always surrender to the feeling, it was no use denying it. i imagined these things the moment i felt love for him. it wasn't easy of course. nothing is ever easy with this path, a path taken only by those who are strong enough to pass through it.

    adorned with roses and thorns, love is indeed deliriously tempting and deceitful. .

    happy are those who passed through this path and made it into the light. for with every bruise and wound is the glory of  fought fears, doubts and inhibitions. happy are they who had finally found true love. but it is never a pity for those who are on their way. pitiful though are those who have never traveled this path for they will be filled with regrets. . .

    where do i place myself then? i don't believe i fall into any category for i travel the path of love and still haven't gone anywhere. hopefully, i am not alone in this, there are millions. but that is never a consolation, we're still miserable. i am still miserable.

    i love him as i did before. now, even intense and it scares me. for i know in my heart that i am selfish, that i am very much selfish and this selfishness could destroy me. he can never be mine, this i know. i have been faced with this challenged ever since i have gained faith in love. there were times I'd lose my faith, then someone would find it and eventually, I'll lose it yet again. it is a cycle, a never ending ritual.

    but love is never destructive. it builds foundations of unimaginable strength, it bonds. . .friendships, relationships of all sorts. what is destructive though, are the people and their selfish interests, their flagrant motives, their attitudes and wrong principles. . .then love is mistaken to be selfish and brutal, but it never was.
    love never kept anyone away from their dreams. . .because love is never selfish, it stands there patiently with time and the cyclical changes of seasons.

    "a city can be moved from one place to another, but never a well. love is very much like this. it is through the well that the lovers find each other, satisfy their thirst, raise their children and such. but the moment the lovers decide to leave the city, the well cannot go with them. like love, it stays there abandoned, although it flows with the same, pure and refreshing water. . ."

    i realized i cannot abandon the well that i have found and dug. o wouldn't want to, even if it means hurt and disappointment. for when a love is pure and true, God blesses that love and as always the universe conspires to help the dreamer.i should be happy i have found this well. i still hope that one day there would be someone with whom i will willingly share this well with.

    ironically, i really didn't understand love well enough, does anyone? i might be young and inexperienced but age is never a hindrance in finding the path of true love nor does status and ethnicity. love strikes even the vicious of criminals and the poorest of poor.

    but then when you are young, you might be after prestige, success, after your rights. Maybe when we grow up a little more and become older, we're more after meaning. . .or what the future would be.

    in other words, i decide to love him still, i can't stop myself from doing so. i might die if i deny myself the freedom of loving and expression. only he keeps me sane although he sometimes drives me crazy. . .even if i really can't understand him, even if he pissed me off sometimes, even if he sees me only as a friend or an immature adolescent, even if he still loves that woman, even if he thinks i'm sooo not his level, even if he reads all my letters and founds out that it's him who i love, that i am gullible enough to fall for him-----

I WOULD STILL LOVE HIM UNTIL I REALIZE THAT I'M WASTING MY TIME.. .

    ... IF HE DOESN'T LOVE ME BACK ...well. . .
                                                                               it's HIS PROBLEM!

helluvA stupid life. . .

helluvA stupid life. . . of teenModella on February 1, 2008 at 02:37 AM |

    maybe id go home a little too early today. maybe i'd cry a hell lot harder too. oh, and i guess i should be screaming at the top of my lungs, throwing pillows on the wall, smashing all the breakable pieces of porcelane in our house and trample on my vulnerable heart. . .all on the god damned floor. then I'd have to smudge my mascara with the tears that flow freely from my tired eyes. i wish i'd drown in my tears so i wouldn't have to face another day in pain and hurt and agony and hatred and utter disappointment.

    why don't i ever get happy? why do i always have to be the one to suffer and die over and over again? why am i like this? perhaps, I'm being selfish again. perhaps, i've lost sound judgment. apparently, i'm sick of all this things that seem to follow me wherever i go. fuck. they are like shadows.

    i always thought hell is bent for me, yeah. it has always been. it was as if hell is ever ready to catch me and clasp me in its fiery arms. if i don't get a grip on myself, i could get lost, i could fall into it, like a mouse set in a trap. i almost fell for it. but it would have been a wonderful experience if someone was there other than hell to catch me. . .but where is he!? he's not there, of course. what was i thinking? for all i know, he could be out there again, too stupid to get his own life, too occupied to even care about me. afterall, he's busy busying himself with the life moronic people use to have.

i am selfish, flagrantly selfish. i don't deny that. if you cant believe it, then do. i might have gone from shy child to mad woman, but hey! that"s me. accept that, love me, hate me, i don't care. really, i don't.  i was just so hurt. its not a good feeling nor is it an option. i cannot choose between being happy and hurt or being good or bad. whatever i do, i seem to be hurt and bad.

life is never easy, so I've heard. i am amused at how i can still survive the toughest storms and the deadliest famines. yes, alive but barely breathing. alive, but earnestly holding on through a tight rope. alive, but my heart's in shards. I'd like to leave, if not for the prolonged agony. but the surprising truth is i am alive after all this years. after seventeen years of existence, i am still blessed not to have been wiped off on the face of this planet they call earth. . . 

i may have offended you, dear readers , but somehow it pleased me. at least, you now have a glimpse of who i am., not dark but not light either. . .

Love and let things happen

Love and let things happen of teenModella on January 12, 2008 at 08:46 PM |

The complication of relationships sets in once commitment steals the scene. One thing in life that I, a teenager, can't quite understand. . .and won't want to understand. But I need to understand. Why won't i want to comprehend? Simply because it is complicated. And who would want to face the complexities of life right smacked at you?

There are just instances thought that make think hard about this complicated things. . .instances that involve someone,for that matter. Someone who happens to be a friend of mine. This friend who i consider a special one, has no plans whatsoever of deepening or jumping into a relationship. . .with me.

one, because i am too young.

two, because he doesnt want complications. he's got loads of things to keep him busy, why then add up, right?

three, because he said my STUDIES should be my number one priority.

four, because he doesn't know that i am falling for him, perhaps?

Therefore, i need to control myself. However, i strongly believe in what Paulo Coelho said. .. that Love is very much like a dam. once a trickle of water passes through a hole in it, then the whole structure breaks down, and no one would be able to control the force of the current. That is how it is in love. I must not allow that crack to destroy the dam, i must take control of my feelings before anything bad happens, before i get hurt. But the feeling of being in love is ecstasy, pure bliss. Hard to avoid and control, afterall, to love is to lose control,. . or is it?

i must wait for the right time to finally lose control and to accept all heartaches as if they come naturally. then would i able to know how to love truly.

waiting is hard. forgetting is hard. but not knowing which to do is the greatest torture of all.

wait and weep. no, wait and enjoy life.

no complications, perhaps, one day. yes. . .someday.

what it means to be tired

what it means to be tired of teenModella on December 12, 2007 at 08:59 PM |

alone, wasted, tired. . .dead tired.

 I just wanna give up. everytime i feel too much of everything. too much of tears, pain, waking hours, work, responsibilities, nagging, strenous events and mind-boggling tests. I want it to be over soon, as soon as possible. im just a person, single-handedly taking on things that are too much for me. It already sucks. i just wanna give in to failure, cause sometimes it feels as if it is the right thing to do or the easiest way to escape.

But still, i find myself going on through every hardship, obstacle and agony. i still surpass all the complains. i complain. . .a lot but i still find myself doing it. It is weird. and it is stupid. Why still do the things you hate doing? Maybe, I really don't hate this things or perhaps I am obliged? pushed over by responsibilities? I pity myself because I am straining myself. What do i gain from all this!? Eyebags. Loads of them circling my tired eyes. Im getting slimmer than I used to. Im not enjoying any of this at all. There's a lot of things to look out for and apparently Im not looking. All because Im super tired of this life, I even wrote a poem about my death. Although it was kinda impossible.[i was dreaming of dying in the shores of Greece]

Then here comes the matters of the heart. . . the most misunderstood subject. Almost immeasurable. I am still out there looking for someone, but i am afraid of giving out something that's precious to me, my vulnerable heart. i might fall in love with a lot of guys but im still not ready to commit. its like offering a candy without the intention of actually sharing it. it happens, they say. but it happens to me everytime. its almost like a disease. I am sometimes thinking that i would end up a spinster, an old maid without anyone to look out for me. Im being hopeless. Not because there isn't anyone, but because I can't commit to that someone. It scares me to fall again. A past love is to be blamed afterall. Once you get burned, you always take precautions the next time. That's what i am exactly doing, taking necessary safety precautions. I am a no-brainer when it comes to this. impulsive too. . .

i wish i had a cure. . .

why don't i ever say "no"!? why can't i just stay put? why do i have to go straining myself to the point of nothingness!? Answers. Answers. None.

unleashed

unleashed of teenModella on November 14, 2007 at 02:27 AM |

after thousands of years, i am here once again to share stories of no-sensical life [insert drama here].

 everyday seems to be the same. i wake up at exactly the same time with the tune of my ringtone as my alarm. then i proceed to having my bed fixed. i go straight to the bathroom and do what i do. after that, i dress up with the outfit i carefully and tediously chose from my cabinet the previous night. and the story could go on and on if i allow myself to indulge in it. but the point is, i am getting tired of the monotony of my 8-5 life.

therefore, my life is slowly becoming useless, purposeless and stagnant. what should i do about it? im still looking for possible answers to this questions. so until then i'd be writing poems and lots of literary pieces about my life.

confessions of a nut.

confessions of a nut. of teenModella on October 21, 2007 at 03:30 AM |

i did a stupid thing. i did not think it was stupid at first. but hey! it was stupid. . .oh, what am i saying!?

                  i didn't know what had gotten into me. maybe i was just so tired of keeping it all in that it had to be thrown out, like emotional garbage or whatever!

                 i did love someone and i have been loving him for the longest time now [maybe not that long, but at least it took time] and he doesn't have the slightest idea that i was in love with him. and so, one nutty day, some quixotic idea came into my nutty mind and i decided to let him know. i was like. . .how hard could that be? with my cellphone, i carefully typed the words in and aimed for the "send" key, something that would freak him out probably. okay. now that was it. the song "hate that i love you" played in the background. one of my fave songs in the whole world by the way. then the moments of the agonizing wait for his reply took place. just imagine the beat of my heart that night, not just the ordinary lub-dub. it was like, lub-dub-dub-dub-dub-lub. whew!

                    what did the lucky guy reply anyway? it was super malabo. but he did said that we should talk about it talaga. but im not getting my hopes up, everything's fine as long as we're friends though. i just wnated to tell him what i felt so that he won't end up hurting me unconciuosly, at least now he'll be more careful.

                      he did say too that he doesn't want anything to cahnge with our friendship. now, im not so sure anymore. it gets embarassing to be around him already.

                    well, i guess i'll have to move on after this. by the way im addicted to "Hwang-Jini", a korean tv series and i definitely love one of the actors-Jang Gun Suk.

                    anyways, too much for my rants. need to go!

opinionated.

opinionated. of teenModella on October 2, 2007 at 05:00 PM |

a lot of things transpired during the days that i had been away from the blogging world. realities smacked me in the face and truths about other things that are equally important to me.

my cousin has been labeled as a "gay" and he feels happy for it. because after all this years of hiding his real identity or perhaps looking for his identity [the so-called "identity crisis thingy], he is able to flaunt who he really is to the society. but with the sudden turn of events, the inevitable reality surfaced. he stoppped schooling and ventured into internet dillemas. its so stupid that he had to do such stupid things, eventually, he got tired of life and all its tantrums. at least, he enjoys what he enjoys doing and did not decide to end his life.

moreover, i dont understand what satisfaction they get for involving themselves in such part of the society. not that i am entirely against them, its just the curiousity thing, human nature perhaps. i have lots of friends who are like them. sometimes they are almost better than having girl friends. haha!

okay. okay.

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